Love

What is the deal with love? This is actually kind of a serious concern. I was thinking about this on the ride home from the first hitchcock's. I truly believe that I have been in love 3 times in my life. (And no, I am not taking into account familial love, or the love between super wonderful amazing sexy lady friends...you know who you are...) The very first time I ever fell in love was in high school to a boy named Jeff. I was 17 and he had just turned 23. It was wonderful. I was so close to finishing high school so I had an insane amount of freedom, and the desire to fly the coupe at every opportunity. (Which I did.) This love was first love, and there's nothing like it. Everything the other person does is remarkable mainly because a lot of the time you've never seen anyone do things that way or think that way. Its like trying on a new you in the process to. Because inevitably you try to start thinking and acting that way too. I know with Jeff, I thought that being independent to extreme levels made him glamorous. That was something I wanted. He also drank much more than I did, so I tried that on for size too. He was less concerned with physical attributes so I tried to be also. Everything was great because he was in my life. He found me special. There will never be another first love in my life.

To that end, most first loves don't make it. You spend far too much time focusing outside of yourself that you forget about you. Often times you take on too much of the other person and then you have a moment where you wonder where you leave off and he begins. Also there is a purity about being young and in love, that life tends to sneak in and mess up. Like I said, I was almost done with high school and Jeff was 23, with no car, no apt., and no steady job. I was attending UF in the fall and he was just turning another year older. We were heading in different directions and unfortunately everyone around me could see that, but me.

First love is something special. I know that the 2 people I've loved since Jeff have been much different than that love. Every now and I sometimes wonder if each love is different. That love doesn't even remotely resemble the love I have now or the love I had for Elliot. Each one teaches me how to be a better person and lover. (not just physically)

I really don't know why I started thinking about all this, its not like Valentine's Day is around the corner or anything contrite like that. But, sometimes getting down your thoughts helps you evaluate your present situation. I think tomorrow I will post again about Elliot and get some of the more personal thoughts down. Let you guys in on how everything in our relationship went down. I mean its been a year and a half, the feeling that were there are long gone. So discussing that relationship shouldn't hurt either party involved anymore.

More on love tomorrow...
Amanda